If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
You Might Also Like
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
incredible text to wake up to
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.