Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
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LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?