My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
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if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.