AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
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I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”