*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
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I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”