Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
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(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.