There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
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Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge