Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
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definitely did not do anything wrong
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change