Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
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Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
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Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Mhm.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”