A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
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oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Always 🥴