I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
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Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME