I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
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It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Hank is one in a melon.