My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
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I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
United Steaks of America
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!