*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
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It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
I can’t wait!
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
mumsnet is amazing