Finally!
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what?
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Based Erika
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on