*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
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that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
They got a point!
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.