REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
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As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
“Why you watching this shit?”
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.