If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
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[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
A classic…
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Have kids, they said
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy