[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
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Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.