Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
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“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Dance like you’re not the father
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I have no passwords left in me
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.