My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
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My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
necessity is the mother of invention
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us