The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
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If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!