Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
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My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.