[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
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Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
I feel it
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
best review i’ve ever seen
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all