About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
You Might Also Like
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot