“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
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Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Optional boss fight.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop