[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
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6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN