Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
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Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.