[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
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I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Great game to play with friends
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”