Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
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The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
🤣🤣
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.