Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
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I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.