I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
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Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?