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Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
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Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.