got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
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BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?