professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
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INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.