I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
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This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Monday
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”