Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
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HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??