CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
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[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
i now pronounce you bounced.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Spell check is for lasers.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Shower sex be like:
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.