I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
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Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Posting this on behalf of a friend
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.