I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
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When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*