My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
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[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.