If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
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3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Carpe DM
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
My dad.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body