[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
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No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
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My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.