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[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
choose your fighter
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.