Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
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Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
So creative 😂
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.