the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
You Might Also Like
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
I feel it
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it