this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
You Might Also Like
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Morning.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
The honesty is refreshing
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull