*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick