Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
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Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”