violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
You Might Also Like
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question